A Bleeding Heart.

I've discovered in recent weeks that my ability to care for and love those around me is so great, it's almost too great. I don't mean this the way it sounds... How do I begin?

I care too much. I care as soon as I like someone/something. I attach myself to those I care for. Then I hurt when those I care for are mistreated or hurting. I hurt even more when those I care for aren't a part of my life anymore...or even not as much as they used to be. And I hurt when those I care for seem to have forgotten about me.

This doesn't sound unreasonable, you say. I realize that. But it feels unreasonable. I get SO sad...I feel SO upset...I'm at a loss.

I realize that I leave a little bit of me with every person and every creature that I love or care for. And sometimes, I feel their loss. I feel the space the piece used to occupy and it feels empty. But the opposite is also true, when I give that piece and that piece I give feels love in return, I feel so full. I feel such peace and such happiness. But in the long run, I have found that it's about 60/40 or even 65/35 in empty vs full.

I watched a silly web video a few days ago of a Mommy Duck and her babies walking along...and a wind sweeps them up and they all start rolling out of control. My heart was pounding. My throat was dry. And all of a sudden, I'm crying at my desk at work. Crying because the ducks got caught up in the wind and are being separated from one another. (Now...I will tell you, the ducks end up alright...I had someone check for me. But I had to TURN OFF the video in the middle because I was so upset.)

Seriously? Ducks. I cared so much for the ducks in the video that I cried. What's wrong with me?! And furthermore, if I'm that upset about ducks in the wind, how is it that I still eat meat?

But that's not even the worst part of it for me. What's hardest is when I WANT to give my love to someone or something and I'm not able to so. Being away from my family. Not spending time with my dogs. Seeing a dog tied to a parking meter on the street in the snow...and not being able to take it home or give it a doggie sweater. I want to adopt all the stray puppies in the whole world and have them in my apartment. This would make me happy. It would also make me stinky, which is why I cannot do it. But will I deal with this disappointment rationally? No. I'll cry at every ASPCA commercial I see...and feel bad when I see adoption posters around the city. And I'm not even going to go into how baby hungry I am since I stopped nannying...it's sick. Like seriously sick. I'm 25 years old and have plenty of years ahead of me. But when I see a baby, that's not what my head (and frankly, my uterus) is telling me.

I don't know why I'm putting this out here for everyone to read. I don't need sympathy or anything, I promise. I think it's more for someone to be like "Hey, Lauren, get a grip. The ducks are fine. And you aren't responsible for every stray dog in the US." But truthfully, I don't think that will help either!

I leave you with this cosmic question: Is it better to care more and hurt more or care less and hurt less?

Happy MLK Jr Day folks! Peace.